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Sarah Palin: The Average Joe

After a long day on Tuesday, I somberly crawl into bed and begin to perform my nightly ritual, flipping channels and staring blankly at the TV. With my eyes half open and the remote slipping out of my hand, I catch a glimpse of Sarah Palin. She’s standing in a three-piece suit stuffing hotdogs with cheese. I figured I must have been dreaming already. But it would have been a better dream if she was stuffing her mouth with a sock instead. Then I see Greta Van Susteren and it all makes sense. I’m watching Fox News…figures.
So there in Wasilla, Alaska, Greta stands in Sarah Palin’s kitchen, harassing her with a barrage of annoying questions without moving her half frozen face. I guess the plastic surgery helped her career. She can’t move her face, so at least she appears unbiased.
It was the most awkward interview since, now that I think about it, probably the last time Sarah Palin was interviewed. Both women are in the kitchen, hovering over hotdogs and moose chili. Palin is bopping around exaggerating her o’s and r’s like a pirate and Greta is blinking profusely waiting for a question to pop into her head.
Several awkward seconds pass as the camera unsteadily focuses on Palin preparing moose chili. Finally, Greta is ready to pose a question to the most sought after interviewee. She asks Governor Palin almost five hundred times about the moment she received the call from John McCain for the VP nomination. From this, we’ve learned of the exact whereabouts of everyone in her family, the exact time they were all notified and why she waited to tell her husband, the “First Dude”, of the nomination. Are these really the questions the public and press have been dying to ask the mysterious nominee the whole time?
Apparently, the First Dude was out on a ride on his snowmobile at the time of the call. With a slight tilt of her head and an attempt to furrow her eyebrows, I could almost read on Greta’s expressionless face that she was dumbfounded. Soon after, another round of incessant questions began. She demanded to know how Palin could withhold such life-changing news from her husband while she waited for him to get back. Greta insisted that frolicking in the snow was no excuse for Palin not interrupting him to spill the news. Maybe he was out getting something for dinner, or shooting it.
Palin did have the chance to reiterate her proposed policies. But after five minutes, and intermittent winks and shout-outs, I completely forgot that I was supposed to take her seriously as she talked about the war in Iraq and the economy. It was like watching Rachael Ray give a State of Union speech to her vegetables and telling jokes. It really wasn’t much different at all from a Rachael Ray show. In both cases, they are throwing jokes around in the kitchen and have people fruitlessly seeking their opinions and advice. Both women were summoned by people in power for their TV personalities and appeal to the average Joe, not for their talent. The public and even the chosen ones themselves, remain mystified.
But we are the ones who have to deal with seeing their faces on every network and magazine. We are the ones who have try and tune out their annoying voices and air-headed comments. The point is this is not a cooking segment, a beauty pageant, personality contest or a cheerleading competition. School spirit alone can’t win this race. I’m talking about the 2012 presidential race that Palin flirtatiously shrugged her shoulders about when asked if she would run. She babbled relentlessly about God opening doors for her and that she would plow right through them, (maybe in her snowmobile). Is she really the best God can do?
The two women then avert their attention to Palin’s homemade potholders. Okay, now she wants to be Martha Stewart?? What’s next, a line of her quilted potholders in Kmart? Then it dawned on me. She is the annoying, brownnosing, head of every club, cheerleader, looking for another competition to win. Her speeches are like pep rallies. I keep waiting for her to pull out some pom-poms and scream “Gimme a P, gimme an A! Oh gosh, golly gee! I mean, gimme an M, gimme an A, gimme a C! Johnny Mac bo back, banana fana fo fack me my mo mack! Johnny Mac!” Then I imagine her whispering under her breath, (“Sarah Palin 2012!”) and coughing nervously.
She’s the girl that walks around the school halls painfully cheery and innocent, thinking everyone loves her. But those are the ones that surprise you. Britney Spears, America’s former sweetheart, even warned us she’s not that innocent, (before she shaved her head, stopped bathing and chased paparazzi with an umbrella). I think Palin’s fan base would cease to exist if she shaved her head. Her winks and smirks just wouldn’t be as cute anymore. Salons around the country would suffer gravely. No one would walk in anymore asking for the Sarah Palin ‘do. If we wait for her to walk in Britney’s footsteps to the top, America would have 4 years of a bad hair day.
Sarah Palin, please find another extracurricular activity to add to your resume. I’m sure there are plenty bake sales and Girl Scout positions to win. The presidential race is not a cheerleading competition or a high school football game. You really are not a good mascot for our country.